Three A's To Thrive

by Gilbert Bliss Wednesday, August 27, 2014

When I talk to clients about their family upbringing, I often get the response, "We had food on the table, a roof over our heads and clothes to wear".  There is so much this description leaves out.

Abraham Maslow developed his well known Hierarchy of Needs including food, shelter and safety.  What is left out, is what I call the three A's required to maximize our life experience …

Approval.

As children, we need to know our right to be on this planet and in the lives of those who raise us is never in question.  Parents have what children perceive as ultimate authority over their lives. The parent who abuses that can put the child in a state of mortal fear, creating a foundation for emotional problems.  Children should hear, "We brought you into this world and welcome you as part of our lives", or, for adoptees, "We chose to make you part of our family, no less than any other child we have or may have in the future".  The extraordinary power parents have needs to be put to use for children, not against them.  This does not mean all behavior is acceptable, but that a child's life has inherent validity.

Affirmation.

This may sound like a synonym for approval, but it goes further.  The idea behind affirmation is that a child's character is never in question.  Mistakes in judgment are not "flaws", but are: mistakes, pure and simple.  Affirmed children and, later, adults, are better able to stand on their own making important decisions and not second guessing themselves with regard to their essential integrity.  Affirmation continues beyond age 18.  Children outgrow their need for approval, but the need for affirmation, be it quiet or loud, continues.  Healthy affirmation outlives us and is an important gift to those we love.

Affection.

The importance of physical affection has been scientifically and anecdotally validated.  Babies physically wither if they are not held and stroked.  The effects of withholding of affection have been demonstrated in children raised in institutions that do not offer healing touch.  Touch creates a bridge between what is spoken by voice and meant by intention. Couples are clear that affection is often as important as sex; in a world where they have given each other permission to share what they would not share with anyone else, the daily small demonstrations of intimate attention carry great meaning, affirmation of their mutual attraction to each other.  This carries a powerful message of safety, as well.

Approval, affirmation, and affection must coexist with each other.  There is little chance of success if one is left out, or one emphasized more than the other, unless there is a particular need to do so.  People can withstand incredibly difficult circumstances and thrive with these elements in place.

Gilbert Bliss is a Psychotherapist in private practice in Towson, Maryland.  His experience includes work with individuals, couples, families and children in bereavement.  His web site is www.gblisscounselor.com.

Tags:

Abuse | Child Abuse | Healing | Intimacy | Mental Health | Mood | Mood Booster | relationships, friendships | Self-Awareness | Social Work | Therapy | Trauma

It’s not about YOU

by Julie Davis Wednesday, August 20, 2014

 

 

You walk up to a guy and say, “Hi.”  He tilts his head back and roars with laughter.  You say, “Hey guy, what’s so funny?”  He looks you up and down, rolls his eyes and says, “You’re an idiot.”

 

What does all that have to say about YOU?

 

Nothing.

 

What does all that say about the guy? 

 

A lot!

 

But, you might have been taught (incorrectly) that thoughts, feelings, and opinions about you ARE YOU.  Someone laughs at you, looks a certain way at you, raises voice around you, does or expresses something hurtful to you and you think it’s about you.  Then you spend a lifetime trying to look and act better when It’s not – never has been – about you.

 

People who are late, hurtful, loud, messy, reckless, avoidant, opinionated, or anxious do not determine who you are.  Their words and actions provide a lot of data about them – important for making wise decisions about who to hang out with; but has nothing to do with the essence of who you are. 

 

This week, consider the words and deeds of others as information about them.  Don’t judge that (it’s not your job).  But use that information to move with/around them wisely while you are repeating to yourself, “It’s not about me,” and enjoying your day.

 

Julie Davis uncovers and clears up deeply embedded beliefs and unresolved emotions that keep people stuck (www.rapidresolutiontherapy.com).  She also coaches people how to stay clear, calm and strategic in everyday life with healthy ways of thinking, feeling and behaving (www.juliedavismft.com).  Get free weekly insight and guidance by joining Julie’s Tuesday Email service.  Send “subscribe” in subject line to:  julie@juliedavismft.com.  Julie is a Certified Rapid Resolution Therapist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (North Carolina, California; New York – pending), Board Certified Hypnotherapist, and New Life Network Christian Counselor (www.newlife.com).  704-807-1101.

Tags:

Anxiety | Healing | Mental Health | Mood | Mood Booster | Primitive Mind | relationships, friendships | Self-Awareness | Shame | Social Work | Stress | Therapeutic Relationship | Therapy

Update the Messenger

by Julie Davis Friday, August 15, 2014

 

On a cloudless day some guy drives by your house and yells, “Hurry!  Get out!  A hurricane is coming!”  You yell back, “Hey, guy, it’s clear; go home – you are confused,” and he drives away.

 

While shopping at the supermarket some lady whispers in your ear, “Be careful; the watermelons are full of dragons!” You whisper back, “Lady, there are no dragons.”  “Oh,” she says, and quietly walks away.

 

I call this “Updating the Messenger.”  

 

When your mind whispers or shouts, “Danger!  Be careful!  Oh no!” when there is no real, present, life-threatening event in front or behind you, it is confused.  If you believe a confused message from the mind, you will be anxious, fearful, angry, exhausted, and sick – spending your day/life fighting and running from dragons and hurricanes that don’t exist.

 

The mind is a messenger: it’s designed to update you with data to keep you safe.  But when the messenger is confused – giving you outdated (past) or possible but not present (future) life-threatening scenarios, quietly update it – Thank you, but nothing needs to be done by me right now – and it will be on its way.  

 

Julie Davis uncovers and clears up deeply embedded beliefs and unresolved emotions that keep people stuck (www.rapidresolutiontherapy.com).  She also coaches people how to stay clear, calm and strategic in everyday life with healthy ways of thinking, feeling and behaving (www.juliedavismft.com).  Get free weekly insight and guidance by joining Julie’s Tuesday Email service.  Send “subscribe” in subject line to: julie@juliedavismft.com.  Julie is a Certified Rapid Resolution Therapist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (North Carolina, California; New York – pending), Board Certified Hypnotherapist, and New Life Network Christian Counselor (www.newlife.com).  704-807-1101.

 

Tags:

Calendar

<<  July 2017  >>
SMTWTFS
2526272829301
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
303112345

View posts in large calendar

Page List

    Month List

    Login here to View, Renew, or Modify your current listing…

    Not listed with HelpPRO yet? Click here to register.

    Log In
     
     

    Forgot your password? Click here to receive an email reminder.